When I was with my husband in the hospital when his grandpa was dying, I guess it did not occur to me that I would be seeing death itself. Death is something that no one ever wants to talk about. I had struggled with it when I would think about it before. But I learned something that night.
It wasn't this awful scary thing. It was actually something quite beautiful. Surrounded by his loving family, whispering love and acceptance and telling stories of all of the good memories as the time crept closer and closer. When they "pulled the plug" it was just like a very tired machine slowly stopping. I thought this was going to give me nightmares. But it did not. I thought it was going to break my emotions and leave me a mess. It did not. It was sad, yes. But it was also amazing to see what death looks like. Its a legacy. Its knowing what you leave behind matters and love is there for you until the end. When I think about dying now, its not as scary. Because I have seen it.
We thought that Mercy was not going to make it when I went in to surgery to pull her out. Honestly, we thought that her body was going to be so messed up inside she would not function and we would have had to watch her take her last breaths. This is what was presented to us when they told us of her deletion. Constant suffering and pain and her body would never work correctly. Of course, my little miss came out wailing and fighting those doctors. Nevermind that she was just under five pounds, she was letting us no she did not like what was happening. I thought that we had prepared for that outcome. And some part of me even thought that she would not have to suffer in this life, and if she had to go, it would be best to go right away. Thinking about a loved one dying is never something that you want to even think about thinking.
Thinking back now, you could never be ready for that. A life not even begun cannot end. But a good life, full of love and laughter and of course mistakes, feels just as painful to lose. But watching grandpa slip from life into death did not destroy me like I thought it ought to. It did make me feel sorrowful. But I know he doesnt suffer now. I know he can walk and run and do all of the things that frustrated him here on earth. And I have a new great respect for life now that I have personally seen the end of it.
It makes me want to live mine own to the best it can be, to create that legacy that leaves behind sorrowful family, but also so blessed and happy to have been part of this life. It makes me treasure the lives I have been given in my children. Even when the world (doctors mostly) would have me to kill Mercy, we chose for her to have this life. And if she does suffer something that is painful or even results in her death, I know that we gave her the opportunity to show her love and to become part of our legacy. Mercy and Melodee and Malachi (and whoever else may come along) will be loved. And they love each other. Nothing means more than that. And when my life is done I know I will be leaving behind children (grandchildren maybe) who love people for who they are and not for what they can give. Death does not scare me at all anymore.
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