We now had a diagnosis. We had a few months to wait for her to come out so we could see what we would have to deal with. Have you ever felt like time was going by way to fast, but taking forever at the same time? I felt like the day was coming so quickly, but that I had been pregnant forever. As November got closer and closer, we tried to do more things together as a family because we were afraid when she came, she would not survive. My daughter would tell me almost everyday, "Mom. I really love Mercy." She loved her so much before she even was here! My son would kiss my belly, but he had no idea really what was going on. His throne of "baby king" was about to be usurped.
I looked up 4p- deletion on Facebook. I thought it may be a long shot, but when I found a few pages and posted on them, it was an overwhelming response to me. It seems that the WHS family is always willing to love and take in anyone who is looking for answers. It was an encouragement to me to see all of the beautiful kids and how amazing they were! But in the back of my mind and my heart I believed the doctor that her life may not last beyond a few minutes and if it did, we would have a shell of a baby. My new facebook friends encouraged me in my pregnancy and offered help as they could.
As the doctors appointments went on, she was always so tiny. About a month before she was born she was 3 pounds, give or take 8 ounces. I told the doctor 8 ounces is a lot to give or take when you are only 48. He only smiled. We also could never see her kidneys although there was pee pee so there was at least one. I think it is so funny how excited we were that the bladder was full. The tiny things that gave us hope make me laugh. No one with a "regular" baby would be so excited to see that in an ultrasound.
I had shots of Prednisone to help her lungs along because they were sure my pregnancy would not go to full term. My C section date was not scheduled until the end of October because my doctor thought I would be going into labor at any time. All of my facebook friends were praying for Mercy to just hang in there and get big.
I honestly did not know how I felt. Sometimes I felt afraid, that I couldn't handle this. I read the book \by Angie Smith called I Will Carry You. Her baby died shortly after it was born and they KNEW it for most of the pregnancy. In a way I envied her, because she knew her baby would most likely die. I had no idea what was coming. You can't prepare for all of the possible outcomes. And I would be stuck caring for a struggling hurting baby. My whole life. I know that is selfish, but everyone dreams about seeing their kids grown, married and on their own. Having life to yourself again. Dreams that I did not even know I dreamed about felt crushed to me. And then I felt so guilty for feeling that way. Feeling that way about my own baby. How much of a bad person did I have to be to do that. And everyday was a day closer to finding out what our life had in store for us.
My delivery was first scheduled on November 8th, which is my birthday. My husband was greatly opposed to this, as it would ruin that day if anything went wrong. I was pretty sure it wouldn't matter what day if the worst did happen, but as it really bothered him, I changed the date to the 9th at noon. We had a date. It almost felt like D-Day.
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